The kiss of death

Have there been times in your life where you just want to give up? You are so tired of all the noise, the pain, the guilt that it starts to suffocate you? You have trouble breathing and feel like the weight of the entire world was crushing you.

You feel like you are drowning and yet you aren’t. and you know what the worst part is? The worst part is that you don’t mind, you just don’t care anymore. Infact, the more you think about it, the more this idea appeals to you.

You realize that this is bad, but then some people might see the light at the end of the tunnel but don’t. Frankly you don’t even want to put in the effort that it takes. The effort that seems to pull you down every minute that you are breathing.

So with your mind set, you take out knifes, sharp and dangerous, with its tip glinting in the light.

You start small, one straight line across your wrist. It’s not deep enough to 

be fatal but you like the sensation, the physical pain distracting you from the emotional one. You get bolder with every stroke and finally the blood lost is too much. You see dark spots and finally, after such a long time, feel weightless.

That day, you greet death like an old friend.

THE DEMONS OF DEPRESSION

Have there been days in your life when you did not want to get out of bed. Not because you were lazy, but because you did not have the motivation to do so.  You feel like the weight of the entire world is crushing you down and there’s nothing you can do about it. So you just lie there, thinking is it all worth it?

You start contemplating your place in this world, thoughts like the world would still go on enter your mind. And the worst part is that you agree with them. There are voices in your head that push you deeper into a spiral of self-loathing.

There comes a point in your life when you feel like its not worth it at all, the daily suffering, the pain but most importantly the nothingness of it all. The feeling that nothing matters at all, and that’s when you know that you’ve reached rock bottom. At this point you want to give up but its important to remember that now the only direction you can go is up. Its important to keep fighting the hardest at this point.

Sure, you’ll have moments where you see no way and the only option is to end it all. Be strong in the moments you want to be weak. It’ll take time but you’ll finally get to a place where the world appears a little more brighter and a little less sad. There will be people who’ll help you get there. All you need to do is remember that you are important, you are needed and that you matter.

‘ I was here, I exist. I’m alive because I bleed’- Maggie Stiefvater

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NIGHT TERRORS

Have you ever woken up in the middle of the night, sweating, shivering, terrified of the darkness and having no idea where you are? You’re on the verge of a panic attack and all your thoughts are a big mess? When you start to calm down, you get scared, not of the monster under your bed, but of the monsters who reside in your heart and take complete control of your being at night. You try thinking happy thoughts but the only thing playing on your mind, on repeat, are all the wrong things. The intensity of all this scares you. You feel like you’ve been kissed by a dementor and every good memory has been sucked out of you.

You’re sweating and your skin is sticky, but you’re still shivering. It’s dark, so dark. Realization hits you hard, the dark that you are so afraid of is your only solace. You lie awake in your bed well into the early hours of the morning. And slowly, when you fall into the arms of sleep, your demons are waiting as always. That night you cry yourself to sleep, again.IMG-20160822-WA0016